Wednesday, August 10, 2011

On the Road

Joy of joys, I have MOVED! Yes, I decided to leave the rain and evergreens behind to face the extreme eyeball-shriveling heat of the desert. Or in other words, I chose to get my butt out of that hell-hole I called work and got as far from it as physically possible.

So I hit the road on Sunday, welcoming the trip as a woman does an old lover. Oh, how I've missed the long and windy road along the Columbia River in Oregon.

(Me and my OJ hitting the road in Ontario, Oregon)

And the rolling hills of Idaho would at times remind me of the silky blonde hair of a little child. Okay, really they reminded me of that dog I saw in the Starbucks I stopped at back in WA just before I hit the road. How does a dog get such silken locks? I mean, his hair was actually GLEAMING. I swear that I couldn't look at it directly for fear that the heavenly host would smite me. That dog had hair that movie stars would kill for. Yes, a dog. Had gorgeous hair. The type of gorgeous hair that Paris Hilton would shave her own head for.

*ahem* I digress.

As I drove further and further east it got hotter and hotter. Eventually I was able to see the Rockies from Idaho, and I knew that Utah was within reach. YES!

Utah: the Promised Land! Where good christians come together to bond and unite in their infinite desire to criticize and judge one another. Where blonde-and-tan-granola-girl-with-no-makeup-or-bra actually looks good on a few, but the rest choose to sport the overly-made-up-and-overly-accessorized bouffant look that wouldn't stand a chance outisde of Utah. Or Memphis.

Okay, so maybe I'm pushing it a little on my assessment of the people here. But when it comes down to it I feel like I've got to stay on the defensive because I am nowhere near as gorgeous as the rest of the population. I mean, really. How do they do it?! I swear that beauty is one of the requirements for living in Utah.

Hm. On second thought, I wonder if my subconscious is trying to tell me something?

Anyway, I was enjoying the pleasant 100 degree weather in full-on traffic jam hell about 20 minutes outside of my destination when the cramps began. Yes, cramps. As in, "two days of eating nothing but fast food hamburgers is gonna catch up with you when you least expect it" CRAMPS.

Oh no oh no oh NO!

As traffic creeped along at a jaunty 15 mph, I was writhing in discomfort and sending up silent prayers to anyone who would listen to please keep my butt from exploding. Gaaah!

Thankfully, the gods of spontaneous combustion took pity on me and I was able to make it to my final destination without soiling myself. Although I did manage to launch a few colorful and, in my opinion, quite ingenious profanities the rest of the way there. I'll just have to wait a few days to let the neighbors forget about my desperate flight through their neighborhood before I give them a Howdy-do. It could've been worse. I could've given them a "howdy-doody."

But I'm HERE! I made it. And man, I LOVE this place.